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Sunday, March 30, 2008

New Location

Thanks to the Manly advice of Hustla, we are considering moving to wordpress. Check it out, and let us know what you think in the comment thread of this post.


Cya there

#13 Urinating Outside

One of the everyday things that Men take for granted is taking a leak while standing up. We have a hard time understanding why anyone would sit down on a toilet, simply to urinate. Truth is, Men have gradually evolved over the last three billion years to the point where the Male system is designed for upright urination. This is a fact women are incredibly envious of, despite their denials.

Most of the time, either using a urinal in a public restroom or leaving the seat down while using your own private bathroom is acceptable. There are rare moments when a Man can, and should relieve himself in the great outdoors. The most important of these instances is when drinking large quantities of beer, when camping or fishing, or if you are at the edge of a large cliff. It should be noted that if you are near something of this magnitude, you are forbidden to walk away without urinating off the edge.

When drinking, the appropriate urination etiquette is to announce your intentions to everyone around you and then head to the backyard with beer in hand. You should then find a corner and complete the emptying process. While camping, simply walk to the edge of the site and mark a sufficient amount of territory; while fishing, approach the side of the boat and piss. Extra points are earned if the boat is moving quickly and you remain balanced and nonchalant.

The general Mantivity score for urinating outside is a 2.8. Bonus points can be gained if you write your name in the snow, or if you cannot see where the urine is landing. The use of hand sanitizer is a deduction, as any very quick rinse from water, standing or running, will suffice. As a final, and obvious statement, the score is reduced to zero if you piss on yourself.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

#12 Bar Fights

So you’re in a bar, drinking liquid glory from a frosted mug. The guy behind you says he usually roots for Russia in the Olympics, because his parents were Russian immigrants. Naturally, this upsets you; however, you are very content drinking delicious PBR and talking to the beautiful girl next to you. What do you do?

One of Man’s most primordial instincts is to punch with his fists things he doesn’t like. That is the reaction most Men have, for example, when they see things like this. This instinct is heightened in the Manly bar environment. Here there is cursing, drinking, and billiards, so it is natural for a Man to be ready to fight at a moment's notice.

For a bar fight to be truly Manly, several things must happen. First, someone must be thrown on a table. Then, a bottle must be broken (with an implied threat of using the jagged edges as a weapon). Finally, the bar tender must pull out a shotgun and yell something like “Alright, that’s enough!” at which point the fight moves outside and then ends. If all three of these things happen, then the Mantivity score for being involved in the bar fight is 4.1. Note: It is expected that you walk away from the fight with a bruise/scar that remains for at least two weeks, so you can tell co-workers that you got the scar defending America in a bar fight. If this is not the case, the score falls to 3.4.

So to answer the question posed earlier: you stand up, down your mug of beer, kiss the girl you were talking to, and then you punch the commie in the face (it might be polite to tell him you are going to do so first – nobody likes a sucker punch, even if the target is a commie).

Thursday, March 27, 2008

#11 Launching Rockets

Invented during the 13th century, somewhere near the region we today call Latvia, the rocket launcher is a Man tool that has been both praised and admonished by society for its startling effectiveness in helping Men launch rockets. The typical rocket launcher is small enough so that it can be hoisted onto the shoulder of a Man, yet large enough so that a Man can use it to bludgeon aliens to death with it, if need be.

Like any Man tool, rocket launchers can do great good when in the hands of a true Man, but great evil when in the hands of a coward. This is because after the rockets have been launched, they streak towards their targets at 1,000,000 miles per hour, and then explode on contact – an effective means of target eradication. The important thing with this tool, therefore, is what exactly the target is. If the target is Hitler, then the Man tool has been used properly. If the target is a school bus, then the Man tool has been gravely misused, unless Hitler is the only passenger of the bus.

Rocket launchers can be pricey, so if you do not have the money, we recommend stealing one from your nearest Cold War arms stash. While you are there pick up a nuclear bomb – those can come in handy. The Mantivity score for launching rockets is 3.6, assuming you are fighting against the forces of evil. If your rockets are heat-seaking, the score is 3.8. Let’s blow some shit up.

Profiles in Manliness: Brett Favre

“Profiles in Manliness” is a special feature in which we celebrate some of the Manliest members of society.

Brett Favre was born in Gulfport, Mississippi on October 10, 1969. As a newborn, Brett was 6' 2" and 205 pounds. There has been some evidence that suggests that the mother of Brett Favre was actually a virgin at the time of birth. But what defines Favre as a Man of note, is his career as one of the greatest quarterbacks in the history of the greatest game on earth.

Brett Favre attended the University of Southern Mississippi, where he was a four year starter at the quarterback position. He obtained a B.A. in the dual major of Manliness and female anatomy. Favre eventually made his way to the Green Bay Packers football team, where, after the fourth game of the 1992 season, he started every game until his retirement at the end of the 2007 season. The number of records Brett Favre has shattered is 954, the most notable being Pass Length, a record he broke when he threw a ball 6,714 yards, striking John Madden directly in the head. This fact explains many things.

Besides eclipsing records, Brett Favre has also broken every rib twice, his thumbs four times, and his entire left leg has been shattered by a truck. Not once did he miss a game due his gruesome injuries, nor did he ever take any type of medication for his pain. Brett Favre actually wears Wrangler jeans while playing and drinks beer instead of Gatorade on the sidelines. He rarely ever shaves, and keeps facial hair length at the appropriate level for ruggedness.

Temperatures at Lambeau Field can drop to negative 300 degrees Celsius in September, but this has not been a problem due to the highly contagious nature of Favre's Manliness. There is little doubt that Favre is an American hero and his Man-legacy will live on far beyond the years he graces us with his presence. Brett Favre, we salute you.

Monday, March 24, 2008

#10 Installing Things

Men are often asked to undertake important tasks. The installations of home improvement items, electrical systems, car parts, and other similar things, are jobs that Men are frequently called to tackle. It is a burden in some respects, but make no mistake, these are duties Men enjoy. It provides a natural testosterone boost and something to casually discuss at the next chance encounter with other Men.

The typical circumstance for a Man's installation of something goes as follows: A woman requests that the Man install a particular item in her home and/or car. It is bonus points if the woman is not directly engaged in a serious relationship with the Man and lives in an entirely different home. The Man accepts the request with nonchalance and heads to the installation site with his own set of tools and equipment. It is here where he undertakes the first on-site assessment of the situation and deems the project more complex and difficult than anticipated.

That, of course, is not a problem, but a blessing for the Mantivity score. The Man knows this, but the woman does not. The Man reacts accordingly. For example, "Yes, that does mean I'll have to move this three ton concrete block with just my bare hands. No, no, I don't think it will be a problem. I'm here, might as well get it done."Any verbal exaggeration in this regard is deemed appropriate, but it is important that the Man appear confident and undeterred.

A Man can also install things professionally by becoming a cable guy, a plumber, or a Home Depot installation expert. This is a Manly way to make a living. The variables associated with this Mantivity mean that there is large score range. It ranges from 2.7 to 3.5 depending on what is being installed and where (for example, installing a new carburetor in an old car receives a higher score than installing a towel rack in a pink bathroom). Bonus points for using tools, becoming dirty, and not referring to any kind of directional-like reading materials for assistance.

Friday, March 21, 2008

#9 Refusing to Take Medicine

In the modern world, there are hundreds of different medicines offering treatments and cures for every single ailment invented. It can be confusing for a Man, figuring out what to take for what. Luckily, there is a simple, and Manly, solution: never take medicine, ever. (One Exception.)

Chances are, at some point in a Man’s life, he will get sick, and when he does, there is sure to be somebody who tells him to take medicine. If this somebody is his wife or mother, she will also make a doctor’s appointment for him, without telling him. When this happens, a Man follows a very simple procedure. For the first quarter of his illness, he must insist he is not sick, it’s just allergies, so he doesn't need medicine and a doctor. Then, for the remaining three quarters, he must say that he was sick, but now is starting to get better, so medicine really wouldn't* do anything. This plan never ever fails.

Some people reading this may ask, “What if a Man gets cancer? What if he gets the bubonic plague?” It is true, these are very serious diseases, but that just means that overcoming these without medicine is all that much more impressive, heroic, even. Look at it this way: getting medicine is like putting up the white flag and saying you can't win on your own. It shows that you have been defeated, by germs/viral things, and that's not Manly. Also, don’t ask stupid questions. The Mantivity score for refusing to take medicine is 2.3.

*Updated thanks to the sniper-like editing style of James, a Man.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

#8 Watching the Game

Sports are an important part of every Man's life. They should be taken very seriously. Any heartbreaking loss for a Man's favorite team can completely debilitate him. There are only a few moments when Men are allowed to cry, but this is one of them. Given the proper athletic circumstances, shedding a few tears is not frowned upon and can be an essential part of the healing process, which should last through the offseason.

Watching the game is a crucial bonding experience between Men. They gather together moments before the start of the sporting event, crack open a beer, and find a good seat. The preferred location is at another Man's house, who, unless he's a woman, has a large television, a superior sound system, and plenty of supplies. Sports bars are acceptable also, but still secondary to the inexpensive and more comfortable use of your fellow Man's home.

This is a sacred time in a Man's life, which means women are not in the room (unless they are true fans). Women are obviously welcome to pass through and carry stray dishes with them on their journey. However, questions like "Who is playing?" are not encouraged and should only be answered by the Man associated with said woman. Conversation during gameplay is confined to the topics of the game itself, the nature of that particular season, and certain sideline reporters.

The Mantivity rating of watching the game is high, as it an essential part of any Man's life. The score ranges from 3.0 to 3.3, depending on the room you are watching it in, how many Men are watching with you, and the type of beer you are all drinking. However, significant bonus points can be gained if your favorite team is victorious, particularly if the game is close.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

#7 Starting a Fire

An important thing about being Manly is that it means you are able to deal with crisis situations. For example, if you are President, and your airplane gets hijacked, you should be able to kill all the hijackers and save your family. Knowing how to start a fire is an important part of any Man’s crisis survival package, and should be practiced at every opportunity.

There are many techniques to starting a fire. As a general rule, the less technology the technique uses, the more Manly it is, so the most Manly is the hand drill, followed by flint and steel, then magnifying the sun, then matches, etc. An important exception to this rule is the use of explosives and weaponry, such as flamethrowers or hand-grenades. These techniques involve the use of Man tools, and thus score Mantivity points on multiple fronts. The Mantivity score for starting a fire with matches, the most common technique, is 2.9.

Note: When there are many Men willing and able to start the fire, DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, have a competition for who is the best at starting a fire. While we usually encourage competition, in this case it is often the least Manly person who ends up building the fire, as he/she is the most willing to mention his experience starting fires at summer camp when he was 13 years old. Avoid this situation by offering to collect the wood, and then stepping in heroically when camper-boy fails.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

#6 Drinking Beer

First of all, it is natural to think that beer tastes bad. Natural and unManly. There should be little doubt: beer is the greatest beverage on planet Earth. It is delicious, refreshing, and it makes you happy.

Beer was invented well before 6,000 B.C., when dinosaurs ruled the earth. CaveMen enjoyed this perfect beverage after Manly battles with Sabertooth tigers and other animals that have become extinct. It didn't take long to learn that while the wheel and fire were good inventions, neither went that well with pizza or peanuts. Since then, beer has evolved. It has added new species and families, discovered the limits of perfect taste, and brought Men together for a common purpose. Through all of it, beer has always retained its ultimate Man beverage status. The official beer of the Mantivities website is Pabst Blue Ribbon.

There are many rules associated with beer. Spilled or wasted beer is a disaster and should be avoided at almost all costs. This is a tragedy even Shakespeare's words could do no justice. Light beer is acceptable for Men only when it is significantly cheaper than the regular alternative or if you intend to imbibe massive quantities and must consider the finite amount of space in the belly. Any Man who ventures into the realm of "girly" drinks should expect his friends not to let him forget it for some time afterwards.

Taste in beer will vary amongst Men. This is both accepted and encouraged, but all Men should be wary of beers that are actually "girly" drinks in disguise, such as watery beers, fruit beers, and so on. Beer earns a Mantivity score in the range of 2.5 to 3.0. This depends on the particular beer and the location in which it is being consumed. Men should not be obsessed with the number of beers that they consume; this is childish. At the end of the day, nothing quenches a Man-thirst like a beer.