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Saturday, March 29, 2008

#12 Bar Fights

So you’re in a bar, drinking liquid glory from a frosted mug. The guy behind you says he usually roots for Russia in the Olympics, because his parents were Russian immigrants. Naturally, this upsets you; however, you are very content drinking delicious PBR and talking to the beautiful girl next to you. What do you do?

One of Man’s most primordial instincts is to punch with his fists things he doesn’t like. That is the reaction most Men have, for example, when they see things like this. This instinct is heightened in the Manly bar environment. Here there is cursing, drinking, and billiards, so it is natural for a Man to be ready to fight at a moment's notice.

For a bar fight to be truly Manly, several things must happen. First, someone must be thrown on a table. Then, a bottle must be broken (with an implied threat of using the jagged edges as a weapon). Finally, the bar tender must pull out a shotgun and yell something like “Alright, that’s enough!” at which point the fight moves outside and then ends. If all three of these things happen, then the Mantivity score for being involved in the bar fight is 4.1. Note: It is expected that you walk away from the fight with a bruise/scar that remains for at least two weeks, so you can tell co-workers that you got the scar defending America in a bar fight. If this is not the case, the score falls to 3.4.

So to answer the question posed earlier: you stand up, down your mug of beer, kiss the girl you were talking to, and then you punch the commie in the face (it might be polite to tell him you are going to do so first – nobody likes a sucker punch, even if the target is a commie).

1 comment:

OlderMusicGeek said...

this has to be one of the funnier posts you two have put up. especially the part about the three things that have to happen!