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Saturday, March 15, 2008

#3 Slap Shots

Let's face it, Hockey is a Manly sport. It is played in the cold. A vast majority of its best players have beards. A main feature of the sport is fist fights. Despite all this, however, many hockey players are trying to reduce the Manliness of the sport by passing too much, wearing protective gear on their faces, and taking a lot of pussy-willow finesse shots. This is not what hockey needs.

Slaps shots, the proud technique developed in a Russian laboratory and perfected by Russ Tyler, are the Manliest of goal scoring attempts. If done correctly, they produce a win-win situation: you will either succeed in scoring a goal, or, better yet, you will knock the teeth out of that dumb-ass goalie who didn't wear a mouth guard. This will cause the opposing team to put in their back-up, who is also Taylor Hanson, and therefore very bad at hockey. Because of your Manly heroism, your team is guaranteed a win. Nice work.

A good slap shot receives a 2.7 Mantivity score. It does not matter whether or not it goes in, the fact that you are taking it shows that you are a Man. For this reason, it is recommended that you take slap shots whenever you get the puck. Although your teammates will hate you, you will be more of a Man. (As you will find, part of being truly Manly is being hated by other, less Manly humans.)

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